3.  Always have a policy.  Talk about it much and often, and be sure to call it “my policy.”

The best of rules being liable to misconstruction, some Congressmen have acted as if this rule read, “Always have a policy shop.”

4.  Always have a theory.  If a murder has been committed, appear to know all about the “dog,” and to be familiar with its history from the time when it was a pup.  Be sure to fix suspicion upon some person, even if you are compelled to eat your own words on the following day.

5.  Talk much and often about protection, and give advice to farmers, even if you don’t know anything about agriculture.

6.  Fill your head with classical quotations, and trot them out on all occasions, whether discussing a bill for the diffusion of beans among the Indians, or the Alabama claims.

7.  Smoke many costly Havana cigars.

This rule has been lately discovered.

8.  Get some one to write a history of CAESAR for you, or an account of a tour in the Highlands, and then claim the work as your own.

There are one or two observations I would here make, which may be useful.  If you are ambitious, you had better commence at the lower rounds of the ladder, in order that your ascent may be safe and rapid.  If you would be, for instance, a great statesman, be first an alderman; if a great warrior, be first—­well, say a tanner.  Also, you should pay particular attention to the clothes which you inhabit.  An old white hat and a slouchy old overcoat will insure you a nomination for the office of Governor.

If, by following these rules and heeding these observations, you cannot become a great man, you may rest assured that the fault is not in the rules, but in you.  What is already perfect cannot be made more perfect.  If you fail, after conscientiously following the above advice, (though I’m not sure that the fact will not be the same, if you succeed,) it’s because you are already great—­a great fool.

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“THE COLORED TROOPS FOUGHT NOBLY.”

So far as the Franco-Prussian war has gone, the blackest page of its history appears to be the employment of the Turcos, who are nearly as black as average Nubian “niggers.”  The expedient of mixing black troops with white was not very successful during our own little war.  Raids upon hen-roosts were about the most prominent results of the experiment, though said raids were magnified by the Rads into grand victories over Confeds.  The Turcos have done better, so far as mere fighting is concerned; but their brutal outrages exceed so greatly the hen-roost exploits of WENDELL PHILLIPS’S devoted darkies, that they are certainly entitled to be organized into battalions bearing the title of the NAPOLEON Black Guards.

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“THE VOICE OF THE TURTLE.”

According to a newspaper paragraph, turtles are growing used to being canned alive, now, on the Pacific Coast.  On hearing of this atrocity, the Nine Muses repaired at once to the office of PUNCHINELLO, and here is the result of their visit: