JOHN SMITH to AUGUSTUS VAVASOUR.

In testimony whereof, I have set my hand and the seal of the County,
June 3d, 1870.  JONATHAN JERUSALEM, Clerk.” [L.S.]

She fell into his arms, and rested her palpitating head upon his palpitating bosom.  He pulled up his shirt-collar, trod on the cat, and gently whispered, “$100,000.”

MORAL.

A word to the wise.  Go and do like-wise.  LOT.

* * * * *

Gummy.

The following is from a Western paper: 

“At Council Buffs, Iowa, a woman who don’t chew gum is out of style, and gets the cold shoulder.”

Our comment upon the above is that there must be very little gumshun among the women of Council Bluffs.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  “SUCH IS LIFE.”

Here you see Tom, Dick, and Harry, as they looked when starting in the morning for a day’s fishing.

And this is the same party, dejected, bedraggled, and foot-sore wearily making their way homeward after their day’s “sport.”]

* * * * *

DOWN THE BAY.

Mr. Punchinello:  It is just possible that you never went on a fine fishing excursion down the Bay with a party of nice young men.  If you never did, don’t.  I confess it sounds well on paper.  But it’s a Deceit, a Snare, and a Hollow Mockery.  I will narrate.

Some days ago I was induced (the Deuce is in it if I ever am again) to participate in a supposed festivity of this nature.  In the first place, we (the excursionists,) chartered a yacht, two Hands that knew the Ropes—­they looked as if they might have been acquainted with the Rope’s End—­and a small Octoroon of the male persuasion as waiter.  As CHOWLES characteristically observed, (he is a Stock Broker, and was one of the party,) “there is nothing like a feeling of Security.”  So we engaged a Skipper who was perfectly familiar with the BARINGS of the Banks, and Thoroughly Posted on all Sea ’Changes, at least so CHOWLES expressed it, but then he is apt to be somewhat technical at times.  This accomplished mariner was reputed to have been “Round the Horn” several times, which I am led to believe was perfectly true, as he smelt strongly of spirits when he came on board.  I was much discouraged at the appearance of this Skipper, and had half a mind to give my friends the Slip when I saw him on the Wharf.

Having manned our craft, we purchased a colossal refrigerator in which to put our Bass and Weak Fish, laid in a stock of cold provisions—­among other things a Cold Shoulder—­plenty of exhilarating beverages, and, with Buoyant Spirits, (every Man of us,) and plenty of ice on board, started on the slack of the Morning Tide.  I regret to state that by the time we were ready to start our Skipper was half way “Over the Bay,” being provided with a pocket pistol charged to the muzzle.  He and his two subordinates were pretty well “Shot in the neck” by the time we reached Fort Lafoyette.  The consequence of this was that we no sooner came Abreast of the reef in that locality than we got Afoul of it.  For getting Afoul of the Rocks we had to Fork over twenty dollars to the captain of a tug boat which came and Snaked us off with a Coil of Rope when the tide rose.